YOU'RE ONLY SMART IN BOOKS

"For someone as smart as you, you tend to be dumb most of the times". "Can you pay attention when I'm talking to you?" "What's so important that you can't focus?" "How could you forget your work?" "How stupid can you be in life?"

 Throughout my life, these were sentences that were consistently thrown at me. I never really cared because I'm Asian. I was brought up believing that when people are mad at you, they love you. I never really understood why paying attention in class was such a hard job. I wrote lyrics in class, planned my month, weekend, disturbed my friends. I'm just distracted. This is normal. Or at least I thought I was normal. Throughout primary, because I was on top of the class, it didn't matter if I was daydreaming now and then. It didn't matter that I wanted to leave class every 10 minutes. It never mattered that I played with glue on my table or was consistently drawing with my sharpies.

But it mattered when high school came. I consistently forgot what was assigned unless it was written on the whiteboard. My teacher's felt like I was purposely being irresponsible. The go to line was "just because you're smart doesn't mean you get to skip out on work". During prep time, I would spend 60% of the time walking to people's class, doing my prefect duty even if I wasn't on duty and only starting my work at the eleventh hour. I never thought it was a problem. I was a busy girl. I participated in Taekwondo, Wind Orchestra, Debate, Research and Development and Head Girl. There were also times when I just volunteered to do work after school. These tiring activities made more sense than sitting and listening to a teacher rambling about something I can read off of my textbook. This is exactly what I did. I studied with my books. The only subjects I loved being in class for was anything related to Maths and History. I loved being able to do calculations, argue about history. YES PLEASE. I got straight A's in all my exams up till high school. Alhamdulillah.

Then College came. Things were falling out of hand. I missed a month of school due to surgery. I broke. I mean break into pieces. My mind did not make sense. My emotions were... unexplainable. Nothing, and I mean nothing made sense to my brain. I lost someone important. Someone close to my heart. I lost myself. I couldn't even speak in front of the class but I won an Overall Best Speaker two months ago. I hated social events when meeting new people was my drive. What happened?

I got help. Yes. I went to see a shrink. I fought all the thoughts of judgement and said I needed help. But then, I struggled to come with terms that I'm not okay and that's okay. Right? When I started getting help, I wanted to get better now. ASAP. Today. By the end of the month. Everyone around me. Or, most people around me wanted to know the 'timeline'. But here's the thing; there is no timeline. In the journey of repairing, reinforcing and healing years of eventful things, it takes time. But coming terms with that, took time. So, when will I get better? It doesn't matter. What matters right now is that I'm moving forward. I'm trying. I'm fighting and most importantly, I'm okay with not being okay.

Of course, bad days happen. Of course, there are days which don't make sense. Like the past few days. I've been mindlessly scrolling through Instagram the moment I'm alone. I've been feeling constantly tired. I had a breakdown, panic attack, a moment feeling like I was no longer in control. And that's okay. Because I am okay with not being okay. I don't know what turns and events life has in store for me, I really don't, but what I know right now is that, this will pass. It feels like it's not going to get better, but it will. Life my be tough, but I'm tough too. 

So, I guess that's it? So long, farewell, sayonara, bye, selamat tinggal. I'll see you whenever.

SYUKUR : SIMPLE WORD WITH COMPLEX EXECUTION

In the name of Allah the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful. Assalamualaikum and hi everyone. How often in a day do we hear these two words 'syukur (grateful)' and 'ikhlas (sincere)'? We are reminded regardless of our religion, to be grateful of what we have and sincere in what we do. Today, I ask myself, how grateful and sincere have I been throughout my 6523 days on Earth?  How about you?

Abu Huraira reported : I said "O Messenger of Allah, who will be the most blessed of people to receive your intercession on the Day of Resurrection?" Rasulullah s.a.w said "O Abu Huraira, I thought no one would ask me about this matter before you, as I see you are eager for the prophetic traditions. The most blessed of people to have my intercession on the Day of Resurrection are those who say there are no God but Allah, sincerely from the heart." -Sahih Bukhari

How many of us were born into Islam? How many of us reading these words are blessed with imaan from the moment we were born? I'm positive most of you reading are with me. Alhamdulillah we are blessed with these rezeki of being a Muslim. Alhamdulillah. But then again, how many of us have tried to seek our love for Allah and Rasulullah? How many of us have learned to love them sincerely? How many of us have feared only Allah and nothing else?

In a day, we say the syahadah at least 9 times. How often do we appreciate the meaning behind it? How often do we remind ourselves of the du'as we say in our prayer? How many of us know the meaning of every word we recite in our prayer? If we haven't fulfilled this, insyaAllah there is still time for us. InsyaAllah, we will be a better version of ourselves. Aamiin.

SYUKUR. A six letter word. An easy word. But so hard to execute. Let me tell you a story. Five years ago when I went to London with my family and my grandma, we were shopping at a store (I could not recall) and was basically taking every single item we could afford cause it was Boxing Day (CRAZY DISCOUNTS). My grandmother being the most independent woman, wanted to pay for her own things even though some of us were offering to buy it for her. We were queueing to pay when my grandmother realised her purse was no longer in her possession. Allahu Akbar. My grandmother was silent and instead of flipping out and worrying about where her purse went, the first thing she said was "Nasib baik passport dekat kau Ril, alhamdulillah" loosely translated to "Thank God my passport is with you Ril". You see, in this moment, my grandmother had every right to start spiralling out and worrying and probably blame the universe for the lost of her purse but instead she chose to be grateful of her passport which she still had. "Count your blessings, they say". When we went back to the hotel, I asked her "Mak macam tak sedih pun purse mak hilang, kenapa?" translated to "You don't even seem sad your purse is gone, why?" That's when I had my lesson to heart about syukur. My grandmother told me that "Yes, I am sad. But things had happened and it happened for a reason. Anyways, there are still so many good things that I won't let this one thing ruin my trip. Alhamdulillah, it was my purse that was gone and not one of you (her grandchildren).

You see, syukur is not about being happy all the time. It's about realising the things you have instead of crying over things you don't have. Mak (grandma) chose to realise that her passport was safe and so were her family instead of stressing over her lost purse. It is not something easy to execute. I struggle with it everyday, to count my blessings instead of counting the things I'm missing in life. Every day, I try to write a list of things I'm grateful for and you should to, just to remind yourself that things are not as bad as you think it is and for you to start practising the concept of "SYUKUR".

Make a list. Count your blessings.

Make it a point of acknowledging the blessings in life. Make it a MUST. We all know it's hard to be hopeful of life when hope had given us the worst disappointments. But maybe it was because we weren't actually hoping, we were expecting instead. Ponder on the differences and maybe it'll make a difference.

Until next time, take care and assalamualaikum.

SAYING GOODBYE TO CTC

Hi. Assalamualaikum. I hope anyone who is reading has been having a great 2019. It's been half a year and insyaAllah if things haven't been going the way you'd love it to be going, it has been for the better or it will get better for you. Alhamdulillah 2019 so far has been a lot of things. For me at least. I have grown, stumbled, fallen to the ground, wished I was dead and amazingly I survived all that. Like I said, Alhamdulillah. Throughout those hard moments, there were some very important people who helped me through it all, my Houseparents and my Principal's Assistant. I'm writing this blogpost today, at 12.28 a.m. wanting to seek closure. Wanting to accept what Allah has planned out for me. Most importantly wanting to know that I'll be okay.

I apologise. For not being straightforward. For not telling things straight away. For not being honest.

Let's start with some amazing, fantastic news shall we? Grateful to Allah, I am now a Petronas Scholar. Alhamdulillah. For those who know me, the question that follows that statement is probably "Habistu, kat sane camne?" loosely translated to "What about what you're doing there?". Let me give a brief explanation now shall we. In January, I went to London to further my studies in A-Level taking an 18 month course and had finished my first year there at Cambridge Tutors College (CTC). So, now I'll answer the question. After running around the bushes, I will now restart my A-Levels at Kolej Tuanku Ja'afar in 17 days which brings us to the title of the blogpost.

I found out about this roughly a month ago. 27th of June to be exact. Most of my friends still has not learn of this new situation. Why? I guess it was because a part of me wish it is not true. A part of me wishes all of this is a dream and I get to wake up and fly back to London on the 1st of September. Don't get me wrong, I am utterly grateful for the opportunity and rezeki that Allah has blessed upon me. But as a human, a part of me wants something more than this. A part of me wants things to go my way and no one else's, as if my plan is the best. Astaghfirullah. Of course, Allah is the Best of Planners. Day after day, week after week, I remind myself that. And I hope you do too.

Why is it so hard to say goodbye? Well it's because I had one of the biggest falling out when I was there. In short, I had to go to the Emergency at the hospital. It was hard for me to confide in my family. Let alone, any of my friends back here in Malaysia. I felt like a huge disappointment. I was embarrassed of myself and a big part of me was telling myself I was this huge bag of burden to everyone else. In that moment, my Houseparents were there for me, telling me every single day without fail that they were there for me. Checking on me at 2 a.m. to make sure I wasn't in some corner bawling my eyes out. They talked to me, approached me and handled me the best that they could even when I pushed them away. There were 3 main houseparents. Lets call them S, P and G.
Ms. S, was the sweetest. She'd talk to me at dinner and tell about how she gets me, how she went through it and how she knows it feels impossible to even think that anyone else understood what it felt like. That's when I started to trust her. Mr P was a friend. He'd stay with me until 1 a.m in the kitchen when I was prepping for Eid and I learned so much about him. Ms. G, she's just there. My morning cheerleader. Telling me how lovely I looked, giving me as much motivation as she could and had never once judged me for my situation.

After my "visit" to the hospital, Ms S and Mr P brought me to Nandos. It was a Thursday. I had skipped whole day of classes and was worried to skip boarding activities. But of course the cool Mr P convinced me that I can pass that. So, they took me out to dinner. Ms S and Mr P. This was when I realised they were married to each other. I mean CUTE! At Nandos, not once did they force me to talk. Neither did they try to "advice" me. What they did was more than that. They told me they will be there for me day or night without even telling me. In that one night, I learned about how they met, how funny their proposal was, who they wanted to be, who they were in their teenage years and lots more. Even though I was just sitting there, all quiet, lost, and felt lonely, but they made me feel happy. Not for me, but for them.

On that night Mr P companied me to cook, I learnt how much he loved Ms S. I thought my parents love story was amazing but now, I have another one in my book. Something for me to remember. The best thing about Mr P and Ms S is how much they talk about each other when the other one wasn't there. Not to forget, their on point impressions of each other. Gosh, I miss them.

I guess I just told myself why haven't I written my emails to my tutors and houseparents. Letting these people go and knowing deep down I have to start all over again, that's what daunts on me.That's what fearing me the most.

Ms B (Principal's Assistant), she was my comfort zone. She was another home away from home. Whenever my days were rough and I needed some joy, I'd walk into her office and just chat. It could literally be anything, her daughter, sports, my progress, how I haven't performed at the school's concert and I'd feel a lot better.

You see, these people they weren't the reason I fought to be better. They were the catalyst. Them, talking about family, their love for one another, and how much everyone around them mattered to them. That reminded me of my own. That reminded me why I had to get better. Alhamdulillah I am.

It's hard saying goodbye to a place you can call home after 6 months. It's hard saying goodbye without knowing it was a goodbye. It's hard knowing that I'll probably never see them again. Most importantly, it's hard saying goodbye to people who helped you fought the demons in you.

But every hello has a goodbye. Mine might not be perfect. Mine is far from perfect. But I hope the emails that I will write and cards that I'll send. I hope it is perfect in it's own way. Ms G once said to me "You never know what life has in stock for you" and yes, I didn't know back then when I asked Allah to give me a ray of sunshine, it was all of you.

Everyone in CTC has played a big role in that half year of my life. The first half of 2019 for me was all the things that happened in CTC. To write my appreciation of that would take forever. Today, I know that the next 2 years of my life would be filled with an adventure in KTJ. It won't possibly be like CTC cause it will be a special version of its own. To everyone back in CTC, you were my reason to stay there. And my heart is still there. But, I guess this is a goodbye for now. I'll visit when I'm there and I hope you would all still be there. Thank you CTC for the wonderful experience and journey that I went through.
To everyone who is reading, I know that life can sometimes be so hard and you won’t understand why everything is happening. But I would like to remind you that everything that happens, happen for a reason. Trying to accept everything is a process of learning the concept syukur, acknowleding that Allah is the Best of Planners (notice how I say acknowledge instead of know) and most importantly accepting that it is for the better. Being the positive energy, being the ray of light, being happy and sharing all the good things in your life, that could help another person out. Never let negativity strikes you. Realise how some people have lots of problems and be there for them. If it weren’t because of the people who realised how lost I was, I’d probably not be here. So everyone, take care of yourself, the people around you and everyone else. Learn to love who you are before you try giving love to others. A huge part of my life, I’ve been neglecting myself. Ignoring my mental health state while looking out after others. So today, I’d like to remind you that looking after yourself is immensely important. So, please, take care. Until next time, assalamualaikum.

SOCIAL ACCEPTANCE

Hi it's been awhile.

Social acceptance.

To be socially accepted.

Social acceptance is something that everyone undergoes. To be socially accepted is to be normal. Whatever that means. Normal. What is normal? Who defined normal? Me? You? Them? What's the total definition of normal? Personality? Or is it looks? So, does everyone have to act the same way? Dress the same? Think alike? Wonder what it means? Well, that makes the both of us.

But to what extent does this drive us? Up to a point we'd stop having opinions? Stop talking? Change the way we dress? The way we look? Do we hide our tears? Our feelings? Well, we don't want to be 'weird' now or do we? To what extent do we keep chasing all these standards? How long can we last?

Well, that's a whole lot of questions to think about.

Breaking points.

We all have them.

That's when we stop.

BUT

We'd stop everything by then. Stop trying. No more self confidence. No more looking forward for tomorrow. No more going out. Nothing.

We would just stop living by then. Cause social acceptance 'matters'.

We WANT to fit in. I mean, who wants to be an outcast right? A loser? Who wants to sit alone during lunch? Who wants to feel like no one has their back? Right. For a majority group of people. We would hate that.

We want and we HAVE TO be pretty enough. Good enough. Smart enough. Skinny enough. Curvy enough. When will it be enough? When will everything just be 'good enough' for everyone. When can we start being happy for what WE want? For what WE have? WHEN? When will we be enough? Enough to stop 'the society' from judging us?

I guess there's no end to this standard?

You dress up nicely? You're not smart enough. Got a degree? Still not good enough. Got masters? You can't cook. Learn how to cook? You're not married at 25. Get married? Why don't you have kids? Got a child. Only one? Your house is too small. You take public transports? Don't own a car?

IT. GOES. ON.

Social acceptance just hits you. Be it your best friend. Your mother. Your siblings. You just have times where you stop acting like YOU.

You can't possibly risk being 'weird' can you?

We have to act a certain way. Say certain things. Think a certain way. Walk a certain way. We are programmed by the very definition of 'normal'.

Then we collapse. We just can't take it. Cause everything is just too much. You still think you're not good enough. You're not enough. You have to be more than THIS.

More than happy.

Cause that doesn't matter. You'll get it when people FINALLY accept you.

Whenever that is.

What if I told you, you matter. Whoever you are. Where ever you are. YOU. MATTER. Period.

Your opinion matters. The way you dress is your choice. NO MAKE UP? Okay. MAKE UP? Sure.
Want to chase your dreams? GO!

And

STOP.

Stop beating yourself up. You are enough. No matter what he says. No matter what she says. No matter what they say. It doesn't matter.

The number of likes on Instagram does not define who you are. The number of followers you have don't matter. Your grades don't define who you are. Your relationship doesn't define who you are. THE SOCIETY does not define who you are. YOU DEFINE YOU!

People won't stop talking. They'd find the smallest flaw on us to pin us down.

What do you want?

What's your dream?

Who are you?

That's your goal.

Living for you.

Not the society.

SOCIETY 🤔

The society has a reference to beauty. A reference to success. And also reference to good vs bad. Beauty means having flawless skin, fair, thin, tall and all the other cliche things that you could think of. And success means having big cars, big houses, scoring all A’s and what not. Well, we have reached a point where certain people no longer believe in these ideologies. Alhamdulillah. But, how many amongst us have fallen into this ideology? Hating our body because its not ‘perfect’, trying to be someone who we’re not because we don’t ‘get along’ with the society and going through depression, stress, anxiety and anorexia. To what point has these mentalities caused our generation? Starving themselves to be skinny. Having sleepless nights to get those A’s and potentially suicidal because we don’t achieve those ‘success’. It’s about time all those negativity leave the society.

What we first and foremost need to understand is that beauty is what lies in the eyes of the beholder. We don’t have to fulfill the society’s standard of beauty, how we are is how beautiful we’re meant to be. Stop degrading yourself please. Have some love for you. Secondly, it doesn’t mean you have no future if you don’t do well in academics. Not everyone is created to ace in that part, so if plan A does not come out great, there’s always plan B, C, D and so on. DO NOT GIVE UP! Thirdly, have your own personality, STOP trying to fit in. We are meant to be different. Stop hating yourself for not being like others. You’re just special honey. Learn to accept who we are for who we want to be not how the society wants us to be. Bear in mind that you are beautiful just the way you are. Stop stressing and being depressed because of academics. Whatever it is, suicide is not the answer. Keep on trying. You’re meant to be in this world so don’t give up! Have some love for yourself then spread it. Cause we need it. ❤️