Hi. Assalamualaikum. I hope anyone who is reading has been having a great 2019. It's been half a year and insyaAllah if things haven't been going the way you'd love it to be going, it has been for the better or it will get better for you. Alhamdulillah 2019 so far has been a lot of things. For me at least. I have grown, stumbled, fallen to the ground, wished I was dead and amazingly I survived all that. Like I said, Alhamdulillah. Throughout those hard moments, there were some very important people who helped me through it all, my Houseparents and my Principal's Assistant. I'm writing this blogpost today, at 12.28 a.m. wanting to seek closure. Wanting to accept what Allah has planned out for me. Most importantly wanting to know that I'll be okay.
I apologise. For not being straightforward. For not telling things straight away. For not being honest.
Let's start with some amazing, fantastic news shall we? Grateful to Allah, I am now a Petronas Scholar. Alhamdulillah. For those who know me, the question that follows that statement is probably "Habistu, kat sane camne?" loosely translated to "What about what you're doing there?". Let me give a brief explanation now shall we. In January, I went to London to further my studies in A-Level taking an 18 month course and had finished my first year there at Cambridge Tutors College (CTC). So, now I'll answer the question. After running around the bushes, I will now restart my A-Levels at Kolej Tuanku Ja'afar in 17 days which brings us to the title of the blogpost.
I found out about this roughly a month ago. 27th of June to be exact. Most of my friends still has not learn of this new situation. Why? I guess it was because a part of me wish it is not true. A part of me wishes all of this is a dream and I get to wake up and fly back to London on the 1st of September. Don't get me wrong, I am utterly grateful for the opportunity and rezeki that Allah has blessed upon me. But as a human, a part of me wants something more than this. A part of me wants things to go my way and no one else's, as if my plan is the best. Astaghfirullah. Of course, Allah is the Best of Planners. Day after day, week after week, I remind myself that. And I hope you do too.
Why is it so hard to say goodbye? Well it's because I had one of the biggest falling out when I was there. In short, I had to go to the Emergency at the hospital. It was hard for me to confide in my family. Let alone, any of my friends back here in Malaysia. I felt like a huge disappointment. I was embarrassed of myself and a big part of me was telling myself I was this huge bag of burden to everyone else. In that moment, my Houseparents were there for me, telling me every single day without fail that they were there for me. Checking on me at 2 a.m. to make sure I wasn't in some corner bawling my eyes out. They talked to me, approached me and handled me the best that they could even when I pushed them away. There were 3 main houseparents. Lets call them S, P and G.
Ms. S, was the sweetest. She'd talk to me at dinner and tell about how she gets me, how she went through it and how she knows it feels impossible to even think that anyone else understood what it felt like. That's when I started to trust her. Mr P was a friend. He'd stay with me until 1 a.m in the kitchen when I was prepping for Eid and I learned so much about him. Ms. G, she's just there. My morning cheerleader. Telling me how lovely I looked, giving me as much motivation as she could and had never once judged me for my situation.
After my "visit" to the hospital, Ms S and Mr P brought me to Nandos. It was a Thursday. I had skipped whole day of classes and was worried to skip boarding activities. But of course the cool Mr P convinced me that I can pass that. So, they took me out to dinner. Ms S and Mr P. This was when I realised they were married to each other. I mean CUTE! At Nandos, not once did they force me to talk. Neither did they try to "advice" me. What they did was more than that. They told me they will be there for me day or night without even telling me. In that one night, I learned about how they met, how funny their proposal was, who they wanted to be, who they were in their teenage years and lots more. Even though I was just sitting there, all quiet, lost, and felt lonely, but they made me feel happy. Not for me, but for them.
On that night Mr P companied me to cook, I learnt how much he loved Ms S. I thought my parents love story was amazing but now, I have another one in my book. Something for me to remember. The best thing about Mr P and Ms S is how much they talk about each other when the other one wasn't there. Not to forget, their on point impressions of each other. Gosh, I miss them.
I guess I just told myself why haven't I written my emails to my tutors and houseparents. Letting these people go and knowing deep down I have to start all over again, that's what daunts on me.That's what fearing me the most.
Ms B (Principal's Assistant), she was my comfort zone. She was another home away from home. Whenever my days were rough and I needed some joy, I'd walk into her office and just chat. It could literally be anything, her daughter, sports, my progress, how I haven't performed at the school's concert and I'd feel a lot better.
You see, these people they weren't the reason I fought to be better. They were the catalyst. Them, talking about family, their love for one another, and how much everyone around them mattered to them. That reminded me of my own. That reminded me why I had to get better. Alhamdulillah I am.
It's hard saying goodbye to a place you can call home after 6 months. It's hard saying goodbye without knowing it was a goodbye. It's hard knowing that I'll probably never see them again. Most importantly, it's hard saying goodbye to people who helped you fought the demons in you.
But every hello has a goodbye. Mine might not be perfect. Mine is far from perfect. But I hope the emails that I will write and cards that I'll send. I hope it is perfect in it's own way. Ms G once said to me "You never know what life has in stock for you" and yes, I didn't know back then when I asked Allah to give me a ray of sunshine, it was all of you.
Everyone in CTC has played a big role in that half year of my life. The first half of 2019 for me was all the things that happened in CTC. To write my appreciation of that would take forever. Today, I know that the next 2 years of my life would be filled with an adventure in KTJ. It won't possibly be like CTC cause it will be a special version of its own. To everyone back in CTC, you were my reason to stay there. And my heart is still there. But, I guess this is a goodbye for now. I'll visit when I'm there and I hope you would all still be there. Thank you CTC for the wonderful experience and journey that I went through.
To everyone who is reading, I know that life can sometimes be so hard and you won’t understand why everything is happening. But I would like to remind you that everything that happens, happen for a reason. Trying to accept everything is a process of learning the concept syukur, acknowleding that Allah is the Best of Planners (notice how I say acknowledge instead of know) and most importantly accepting that it is for the better. Being the positive energy, being the ray of light, being happy and sharing all the good things in your life, that could help another person out. Never let negativity strikes you. Realise how some people have lots of problems and be there for them. If it weren’t because of the people who realised how lost I was, I’d probably not be here. So everyone, take care of yourself, the people around you and everyone else. Learn to love who you are before you try giving love to others. A huge part of my life, I’ve been neglecting myself. Ignoring my mental health state while looking out after others. So today, I’d like to remind you that looking after yourself is immensely important. So, please, take care. Until next time, assalamualaikum.
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